It’s Harder Than You Think Telling Dreams From One Another

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This past weekend I went back to State College for a few days, just to relive the glory days with a few friends. Boy was that worth it. It was hands down the best weekend I’ve had all summer. So I guess you can say I was pretty happy when I came to CT Sunday night. In fact, I had every intention to get home today from work and write a post to tell you all how things are finally starting to get better for me here. Then today happened…

I haven’t been on here much over the past couple of weeks because work has finally kept me a little busier than when I started. Things weren’t actually too bad. I would have my deeds at work, then come home and relax. But as I started to get busier and busier, I began noticing how much more bored I got. I think the bad thing about it is that before I had a reason to be bored, because I didn’t have anything to do but stare at a computer screen; but now I just find myself bored of the work that I’m actually given to do. It’s sad really, and I don’t know why; but everything just seems so uninteresting now. Part of me thinks that it is because I had such a shitty first couple of weeks, that it’s just left such a bad taste in my mouth with this internship and I’m beyond the ability to find comfort in anything anymore. Who knows; but one thing that I’m absolutely sure about is that I can’t wait for this summer to be over. It’s the longest summer of my life, and I’m slowly counting down the days.

So today started out with a lack of coffee due to my stomach being really sensitive to aches the past couple of days. I have a really horrible stomach, and this happens every so often. It’s pretty much when my stomach feels like saying, “Oh, you wanted to have a good day today? LAWL JOKES!” Anyways, I’m at work at 6:30 am with no coffee, and cranky as hell. To make a long story short, the rest of my day was pretty much a plethora of really awkward, sad, and confusing situations that just made me dislike being there even more. The orange I ate for lunch ended up squirting in both of my eyes, and I spilled water on my crotch that made me look like I pissed my pants in front of all my coworkers…twice. It seems like most things that happen to me are generally my own stupid fault, but that is one of the unfortunate burdens of being me, I suppose. It’s at that point where things no longer amaze me, and quite often I find myself saying, “Why am I not surprised…”

In addition to that, ever since I got back from State College Sunday night, I’ve been having these weird dreams, without going into too much unnecessary information. Dreams that seem to tell me that I’m meant to do something. That ka has planned this out for me, and that I should act. But I can’t seem to bring myself to do so. Honestly, I think I’m just being stupid; but eventually I’ll have to figure things out.

To make matters worse, I’ve been dealing with some roommate issues lately as well. Today during my nap I had a dream that he moved out of our apartment and left me paying the full rent by myself; essentially screwing me over. It has got me thinking if I put trust in the wrong person. With my life, I wouldn’t even be surprised, hah.

So on that note, I leave you with this:

Goofy Goobers, and Things of Such Nature

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If you asked me how I felt about my internship a month ago, I would have given you the most exciting response you have ever seen. I’ve gotten an opportunity that many engineers in my field would KILL for! Okay, maybe I’m over exaggerating; but I sure am a lucky piece of shit to be here right now, and I know that. Yet, I can’t help but to feel miserable in this situation. Does that make selfish? I sure do feel selfish. For once in my life things were going well, and now I’m sitting here feeling like I should be regretting the decision to come here in the first place. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, but Connecticut hasn’t been quite the experience that I was hoping for.

Graduation was really a big hit on me. Although I’ll be returning to Penn State in the Fall for graduate school, it just doesn’t seem like it’s going to be the same now that all of my friends will be gone. A lot of things happened during senior week – some that will always remain a mystery to this blog – that made me realize how much I’m going to miss the friends I came to know the past four years. I guess that made me somewhat emotional; and having to drive up to Connecticut and move myself into my new apartment hasn’t really helped with that.

The apartment I’m subletting for the summer isn’t really what I had expected it to be. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still nice; but it’s a bit smaller than I had anticipated. The building itself used to be some sort of old factory, with brick walls and exposed wooden ceilings. I’m completely serious when I tell you that my ceiling light in my living room is hanging from a joist that supports the floor above me. The leasing company offers free access to a pool with green water, and a gym that’s barely the size of my bedroom. One of bedrooms doesn’t have a light fixture, and when I asked about it I was told that it is not uncommon for apartment bedrooms not to have light fixtures. I practically laughed in her face when she said that. This apartment complex doesn’t have recycling options either, which to me is just sad.

AND WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE?!

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There is absolutely nothing to do in this town. My friends tasked me with going out and finding things for them to do when they visit me at some point this summer. Unfortunately they are going to be rather disappointed. I live in a part that considers itself the “downtown” of the area, although it’s far from it. This “downtown” runs for only about a few blocks, and consists mostly of individually owned antique shops. There are a total of two bars in this area. I went to grab a drink by myself just to get a feel of the atmosphere here, and noticed that one of the bars closes at about 7 PM so that the owners and their friends can play pool uninterrupted. The second bar was more of a restaurant than a bar, and was filled with way too many 50+ year olds. Not that I have anything against the older population, but coming from a college town the past four years, this is a HUGE change for me. Instead of living next door to other people my age and in my situation, I live next to families. In fact, as I’m sitting here writing this post I can hear the children running back and in forth in the hallway just outside of my apartment door.

Work is just another world entirely. It certainly hasn’t lived up to what I thought it would be coming up here. I know it’s only been two weeks, but I just can’t stand the fact that all I do at work is stare at my computer screen! I undergo four hours of training classes every morning, take a lunch break, then sit there at my computer for four hours and do absolutely nothing. I thought this was supposed to be exciting…invigorating…innovative. God, I’ve never felt so useless in my entire life. At this point, I don’t care what they give me to do, just as long as I’m doing something besides sitting there. The worst part is that I can’t even browse certain sites at work because they block them; and I avoid bringing a book to read or other things to do for the fear of being unprofessional. I can’t say I get along with other interns at the moment. It seems all they want to do is talk about their research they did in college; which I could really care less about. I want to walk into a work environment where the men wear shirts and ties instead of jeans and tucked in polos, and the woman wear skirts and high heels…where we go to happy hour after work for a beer. I want to take international business trips, and feel like I’m a part of something. Maybe it’s just too early for me to tell, but perhaps I wasn’t meant for this profession? No turning back now though, considering I slaved the past four years to get through an intense engineering curriculum.

One of my friends said to me, “Your life is like normal people after college. All alone and blogging.” Is this really life? Everything just seems to be happening so fast. This isn’t the life I had anticipated after graduation. I’m just not happy here right now. Things are changing and I can’t control it. I don’t even know who I am anymore, what I’m supposed to be doing, what my future holds, and what I really want. I’m hoping things will change in the near future, but I guess only time will tell.

Well, that rant lasted longer than I originally wanted it to. Not every post on this blog will be like this one; but if you’re still with me this is something I feel you had to go through alongside me – kind of like Lady Gaga’s Born This Way album – because within these lines lie the essence and inspiration of what is yet to come.

I’m a pretty amateur blogger, so I don’t even know if I’m doing this right. I guess for now I’ll just sit here and be a goofy goober until I can think of what my next post will be.

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Let the Games Begin

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I guess if you were to ask me what I am doing here, I really wouldn’t be able to answer you. The most likely answer is because I’m bored…or I have no life, or my life is so wonderful I just need to write about it, or because Ka deemed it meant to be (for you Dark Tower lovers out there).

But actually, it’s because all I do now is lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling. Sad, it seems; but not really so. You see, sometimes I lie here and think about things that I haven’t thought about it a while; or imagine things that have yet to pass. Either way, it acts like an escape from my day to day activities (or lack of…), and helps me keep my sanity since I’m stuck in this God forsaken state of Connecticut for the next three months.

Connecticut is where this all begins. Flashback to a couple of months ago and I would have never imagined being where I am now. I was a Penn State student until I graduated a couple of weeks ago. Despite what I am now, Fall semester I was nothing short of a mediocre (at least in my eyes) student with no future ahead of me. Taking 19.5 credits, working 20+ hours a week and having to deal with my excruciating senior thesis research really didn’t allow me to have enough time to think about my future. Towards the end of the semester, when my work load finally started to lighten up, I noticed that I was graduating in four months with no clear plans for the future. My life was spiraling further and further down into the abyss of unemployment, and I was having trouble staying afloat.

I suppose you can call 2013 “My Year,” although it’s not quite over yet. The day after New Years I was passed out in my bed around 11am, hungover from the night before, when I received a call from a supervisor at a company I had interviewed with back in September. Have you ever seen a kangaroo jump? Me neither, but I’m assuming I looked something like that when I leaped out of my bed in excitement. Considering that I had interviewed with this company four months ago and had not received any word from them, I had already given up hope weeks ago. The phone call was pretty much an informal interview for a summer internship in their company.

Yes, you heard right; internship. Why? By the end of the Spring 2012 semester, I had decided to go to graduate school right after my undergraduate degree. As if I didn’t have enough headaches the past four years as an undergraduate student. I probably made this decision on all the wrong reasons, but the two most important were:

  1. Although I was tired of being a broke college student, staying up all night doing homework, living in a shithole of house with 14 other guys, and averaging 4 hours of sleep per night; I think there was a part of me, deep down, that wasn’t quite ready to leave college just yet.
  2. Since I had never had an internship in my field within industry, I felt as if I was not qualified enough to find a full time job in the current market. Graduate school would at least allow me an extra year to figure out what to do with my life.

Thus, during the Fall 2012 Career Fair, I told every employer that I was looking for a summer internship because I was to attend graduate school in Fall 2013. Little did they know that I had not even submitted my application for graduate school at the time. Looking back, it wasn’t very smart of me to assume that everything would work out on its own; but nonetheless, it did. A few weeks after the phone call I spoke of earlier, I received my official acceptance into graduate school. I can’t say it was as exciting as when I received my offer packet from Penn State four years ago, accepting me in as a College of Engineering student; but for the first time in my 22 years of existence, I felt my life had purpose and things were finally going my way. They only got better after that, because a few weeks later I received notification that I was offered a summer internship at the company that I had interviewed with back in September.

My life was back on track, and I was going to operate that train all the way up the northeast corridor. For a while things were looking great! Then graduation came about, which marked the start of my downward spiral yet again. Saying goodbye to all my friends for the last time, especially my best bud who has been with me through a lot, was one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to do. After five days of emotions and alcohol during senior week, I finally left State College for the last time as an undergraduate student. I went home for two days to say goodbye to my parents; then I loaded up my Bimmer with all my belongings and took that lonely four hour drive from Philly to Connecticut to move into my apartment here by myself. I have a roommate, but he doesn’t move in for another two weeks; so here I am, all alone in this depressing apartment that’s been converted from an old factory God knows how long ago.

Let’s get back to the question, “Why am I here?” I guess this is really for my own amusement; since I’m the only one that will really enjoy my endless rants about how much I hate this state, pop music, spongebob quotes, the nerdy science stuff that accompanies being an engineer, and my plans for world domination. I’m not sure in which direction this blog is going to go, but I figured it’s time for me to start chronicling the shenanigans that is my life…since the only other thing I have to do is stare at that damn ceiling.