June 3rd is a big day. It marks 3 weeks since I’ve made the big move up here. It’s also the day my roommate finally moves in. I’ll probably end up pulling one of these:
But in all seriousness, I have this theory called ‘the three weeks rule’. Pretty much, the end of the third week in a new situation defines how the rest of the time in that situation will be. I know some of you may think of this as silly, but it’s worked for me time and time again. So here we are at the end of the third week, and I can’t really say that much has changed. I’m still the same miserable mess I was when I moved here 3 weeks ago. This state still sucks, this community is still a ratchet wasteland, and work is still another mess entirely. I feel so cut off from everyone here, like I’m in an entirely different world. I want so desperately for things to change, but I feel like every time I find a sliver of hope, it slips away.
I find myself recently thinking about the past. Thinking about the people I want to be with. Thinking about where my future life is going. Everything seems so unclear now. And as I dive further into my past, I start realizing all the mistakes I’ve made. The things that I could have done differently. I guess my life hasn’t been spot on to what I wish it was. Do you ever just want to go back and change how you lived your life? I know I’m still young, and I have my whole life ahead of me; but how many mistakes can you make before you’re lost forever? How many wrong paths can you take before you lose your way back? How many people can you hurt and push away before you have no one left? I guess I’ve never admitted this to anyone before, but I don’t really like who I am. I have this idea in my head of who I want to be – or I guess, wish I could be. But I can’t just change things about myself that have been a part of me for as long as I can remember. Who was it that said the rabbit hole leads to Wonderland, because all I’ve found is an empty abyss. All decisions come with a price; and there will be a time when those ghosts will come back to haunt me. The question is, will I be able to face them? I guess if I really think about it, I don’t have a choice.
Tomorrow starts my post 3 week period. Here’s to hoping that my theory is wrong; because let’s be honest, life really isn’t what you make it. I hope my roommate doesn’t think I’m weird. I’ll have to put on a different facade tomorrow, and hope that he doesn’t find this blog, hah.