If you asked me how I felt about my internship a month ago, I would have given you the most exciting response you have ever seen. I’ve gotten an opportunity that many engineers in my field would KILL for! Okay, maybe I’m over exaggerating; but I sure am a lucky piece of shit to be here right now, and I know that. Yet, I can’t help but to feel miserable in this situation. Does that make selfish? I sure do feel selfish. For once in my life things were going well, and now I’m sitting here feeling like I should be regretting the decision to come here in the first place. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, but Connecticut hasn’t been quite the experience that I was hoping for.
Graduation was really a big hit on me. Although I’ll be returning to Penn State in the Fall for graduate school, it just doesn’t seem like it’s going to be the same now that all of my friends will be gone. A lot of things happened during senior week – some that will always remain a mystery to this blog – that made me realize how much I’m going to miss the friends I came to know the past four years. I guess that made me somewhat emotional; and having to drive up to Connecticut and move myself into my new apartment hasn’t really helped with that.
The apartment I’m subletting for the summer isn’t really what I had expected it to be. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still nice; but it’s a bit smaller than I had anticipated. The building itself used to be some sort of old factory, with brick walls and exposed wooden ceilings. I’m completely serious when I tell you that my ceiling light in my living room is hanging from a joist that supports the floor above me. The leasing company offers free access to a pool with green water, and a gym that’s barely the size of my bedroom. One of bedrooms doesn’t have a light fixture, and when I asked about it I was told that it is not uncommon for apartment bedrooms not to have light fixtures. I practically laughed in her face when she said that. This apartment complex doesn’t have recycling options either, which to me is just sad.
AND WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE?!
There is absolutely nothing to do in this town. My friends tasked me with going out and finding things for them to do when they visit me at some point this summer. Unfortunately they are going to be rather disappointed. I live in a part that considers itself the “downtown” of the area, although it’s far from it. This “downtown” runs for only about a few blocks, and consists mostly of individually owned antique shops. There are a total of two bars in this area. I went to grab a drink by myself just to get a feel of the atmosphere here, and noticed that one of the bars closes at about 7 PM so that the owners and their friends can play pool uninterrupted. The second bar was more of a restaurant than a bar, and was filled with way too many 50+ year olds. Not that I have anything against the older population, but coming from a college town the past four years, this is a HUGE change for me. Instead of living next door to other people my age and in my situation, I live next to families. In fact, as I’m sitting here writing this post I can hear the children running back and in forth in the hallway just outside of my apartment door.
Work is just another world entirely. It certainly hasn’t lived up to what I thought it would be coming up here. I know it’s only been two weeks, but I just can’t stand the fact that all I do at work is stare at my computer screen! I undergo four hours of training classes every morning, take a lunch break, then sit there at my computer for four hours and do absolutely nothing. I thought this was supposed to be exciting…invigorating…innovative. God, I’ve never felt so useless in my entire life. At this point, I don’t care what they give me to do, just as long as I’m doing something besides sitting there. The worst part is that I can’t even browse certain sites at work because they block them; and I avoid bringing a book to read or other things to do for the fear of being unprofessional. I can’t say I get along with other interns at the moment. It seems all they want to do is talk about their research they did in college; which I could really care less about. I want to walk into a work environment where the men wear shirts and ties instead of jeans and tucked in polos, and the woman wear skirts and high heels…where we go to happy hour after work for a beer. I want to take international business trips, and feel like I’m a part of something. Maybe it’s just too early for me to tell, but perhaps I wasn’t meant for this profession? No turning back now though, considering I slaved the past four years to get through an intense engineering curriculum.
One of my friends said to me, “Your life is like normal people after college. All alone and blogging.” Is this really life? Everything just seems to be happening so fast. This isn’t the life I had anticipated after graduation. I’m just not happy here right now. Things are changing and I can’t control it. I don’t even know who I am anymore, what I’m supposed to be doing, what my future holds, and what I really want. I’m hoping things will change in the near future, but I guess only time will tell.
Well, that rant lasted longer than I originally wanted it to. Not every post on this blog will be like this one; but if you’re still with me this is something I feel you had to go through alongside me – kind of like Lady Gaga’s Born This Way album – because within these lines lie the essence and inspiration of what is yet to come.
I’m a pretty amateur blogger, so I don’t even know if I’m doing this right. I guess for now I’ll just sit here and be a goofy goober until I can think of what my next post will be.